Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
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Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH