My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
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{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.