Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
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I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.