Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
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If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
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God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
True.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”