*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
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me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
choose your gary
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine