Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
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Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
love pickles so much i put myself in one
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.