{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
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Nose
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Batman v Dracula
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.