Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
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Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?