Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
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I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens