Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
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me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2