TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
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There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER