them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Europe. Made in Germany.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out