Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KimmyMonte's best tweets

@KimmyMonte : *sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time* wtf did that baby just say to you?

@KimmyMonte: If Disney has taught us anything it's that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

@KimmyMonte: I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

@KimmyMonte: {walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I'll take 4 farmers

@KimmyMonte: Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

@KimmyMonte: Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

@KimmyMonte: *walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I'd like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

@KimmyMonte: I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

@KimmyMonte: Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

@KimmyMonte: Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean