Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KimmyMonte's best tweets

@KimmyMonte : every raccoon you see is currently on parole

@KimmyMonte: *forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

@KimmyMonte: I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is "down for the count." I don't care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who's winning.

@KimmyMonte: [sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

@KimmyMonte: Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

@KimmyMonte: {my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

@KimmyMonte: Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

@KimmyMonte: just saw a rat running up the street he's probably late opening his restaurant

@KimmyMonte: {commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

@KimmyMonte: if Disney has taught us anything it's that if you're a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo