@KimmyMonte: Ladies, if he:
- doesn’t introduce you to his parents
- never calls you back
- has four feet
- smells like potato chips
- could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

@KimmyMonte: humans only use 10% of their treadmills

@KimmyMonte: The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

@KimmyMonte: baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

@KimmyMonte: by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

@KimmyMonte: you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

@KimmyMonte: LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

@KimmyMonte: i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

@KimmyMonte: Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert