Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
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[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Lmao
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.