Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
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Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Jail