I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
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I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.