So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
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me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza