“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
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I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades