I have a type: disappointing
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What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Perfect
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
My work here is done
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
(2022)
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga