now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
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Have kids, they said
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing