Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 馃ぃ
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I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i鈥檝e made a mistake
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 馃槨馃棷
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
ME: No Officer, I swear I鈥檓 not high
CAT: For the last time, I鈥檓 not a cop, and cats can鈥檛 talk
ME: Whew! In that case I鈥檓 high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
What鈥檚 the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry