3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
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“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture