a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
That’s easy for you to say
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.