Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
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“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
reviewed some movies recently
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.