@KyleMcDowell86: CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
@KyleMcDowell86: [Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
@KyleMcDowell86: Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
@KyleMcDowell86: ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
@KyleMcDowell86: [Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She's a service dog
[Me] Omg I'm so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
@KyleMcDowell86: I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
@KyleMcDowell86: [yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
@KyleMcDowell86: [cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
@KyleMcDowell86: ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)