Funny Tweeter

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Page of KylePlantEmoji's best tweets

@KylePlantEmoji : [parade] Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers? Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

@KylePlantEmoji: Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

@KylePlantEmoji: Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn't, I have some bad news

@KylePlantEmoji: Me :)

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can't get someone to text you back

Me :(

@KylePlantEmoji: You, idiot magician: I've sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you've SEEN a lady in half

@KylePlantEmoji: A fun game you can play with someone who claims they're going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they're getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

@KylePlantEmoji: [first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I'm a spelling bee judge but can't use a word in a sentence

@KylePlantEmoji: [coding]

I don't know what I did wrong. I'm an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I'm an idiot.

@KylePlantEmoji: Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he's a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

@KylePlantEmoji: Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit