Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KylePlantEmoji's best tweets

@KylePlantEmoji : Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d- Me: oh I would die for myself too

@KylePlantEmoji: Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we're not ready

@KylePlantEmoji: Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

@KylePlantEmoji: Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake

@KylePlantEmoji: Her: it's been three weeks but the dog still hasn't passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we've been through?

@KylePlantEmoji: Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues :)
Genie: There are 4 rules

@KylePlantEmoji: Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?