Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KylePlantEmoji's best tweets

@KylePlantEmoji : Me: so what does your husband do? Her: he's a dermatologist Me: pore guy :/

@KylePlantEmoji: Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

@KylePlantEmoji: [high school]

Parents: we're so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

@KylePlantEmoji: Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

@KylePlantEmoji: *guy acts like he's gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

@KylePlantEmoji: *car isn't exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

@KylePlantEmoji: Professor: most of you won't pass this course

Me: cool so you're like, Real shitty at your job

@KylePlantEmoji: Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you're dangerous but c'mon, look at you lol

@KylePlantEmoji: Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m'bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

@KylePlantEmoji: You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That's literally the only type of thing you can ask