@LADaddy: [At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
@LADaddy: The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
@LADaddy: The person who came up with "happily ever after" probably didn't realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
@LADaddy: Keep in mind that "The Cat in the Hat" is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you're gone...
@LADaddy: I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
@LADaddy: Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
@LADaddy: We just got a fax. At work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.