My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
You Might Also Like
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Well well well…
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Every photo I’m tagged in
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —