Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
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I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.