7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
You Might Also Like
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
secret recipe
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
The Assassin.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this