[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
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Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…