if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
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Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children