You Might Also Like
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I can’t be the only one 😂
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Still cracks me up
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…