In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
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lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I am yelling
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water