Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
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His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.