If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
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[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
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Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
As the Lord intended
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?