date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
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Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business