@LaceyNycole: I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
@LaceyNycole: Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails... time to take a shit!
@LaceyNycole: Meteorologist: According to our facts, we'll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
@LaceyNycole: Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I'm a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
@LaceyNycole: When a bite of food falls off your plate... And you just stare at it on the ground like, "We could've made each other happy..."
@LaceyNycole: 2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there's a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
@LaceyNycole: Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Me: But not as much as coffee.
@LaceyNycole: *brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
@LaceyNycole: Girl: I can't wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it's like to be a parent. It'll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*