Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LaceyNycole's best tweets

@LaceyNycole : Me: Do you like being right-handed? Hubby: Umm, sure... why? Me: Take another one of my fries again and see...

@LaceyNycole: I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

@LaceyNycole: Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails... time to take a shit!

-my baby

@LaceyNycole: Meteorologist: According to our facts, we'll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

@LaceyNycole: Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I'm a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: .....

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

@LaceyNycole: When a bite of food falls off your plate... And you just stare at it on the ground like, "We could've made each other happy..."

@LaceyNycole: 2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there's a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

@LaceyNycole: Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

@LaceyNycole: *brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

@LaceyNycole: Girl: I can't wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it's like to be a parent. It'll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*