@LackOfShame: Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn't really think your choice was excellent.
@LackOfShame: Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
@LackOfShame: "How can I waste ten seconds of someone's time and make total strangers hate me?"
- Credit card chip inventor
- Me, writing tweets
@LackOfShame: Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
@LackOfShame: Nothing's sadder than the look on my dog's face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
@LackOfShame: Her: Something's changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it's not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I'm like right here.
@LackOfShame: Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you'd be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
@LackOfShame: "You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck."
- my voicemail message