@LackOfShame: If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
@LackOfShame: Her: Let's just drop it.
Her: I just find it funny how...
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
@LackOfShame: I've never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn't swish it around.
@LackOfShame: Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn't really think your choice was excellent.
@LackOfShame: Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
@LackOfShame: "How can I waste ten seconds of someone's time and make total strangers hate me?"
- Credit card chip inventor
- Me, writing tweets
@LackOfShame: Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
@LackOfShame: Nothing's sadder than the look on my dog's face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.