when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
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Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…