Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
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Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.