me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
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IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey