Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
You Might Also Like
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Not today. 😅
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place