The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
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‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!