If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
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If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.