I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
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Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need