Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
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Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use