[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
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Why is no one talking about this?!
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Never ghost your hitman.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I am also baked goods
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.