My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
You Might Also Like
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
🤭😂
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*