[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
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How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.